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When it all goes sideways, your plan comes down to one thing: getting to your kid.
For most parents, that’s simple enough. Everybody’s under one roof. But if you’re divorced and sharing custody, your kid might be at a house you can’t just walk into, with someone who doesn’t prep and may not want your help.
And this is far from a rare situation. According to U.S. Census Bureau figures, more than 1 in 4 American kids, which is about 22 million children under the age of 21, have a parent living outside their household. Shared custody after divorce has more than doubled in recent decades, so more of us are co-parenting across two addresses than ever before. If you prep, there’s a real chance your plan has to account for a kid who isn’t always under your roof.
Listener Question
A listener named Dale emailed me about exactly that situation:
Do you have any tips for prepping in a split-custody situation? … Our toddler will be split between our houses. My ex is definitely not into prepping. Is there any tips for preparing for my son’s safety, or if I need to go and get him during a SHTF situation? I monitor the weather where she lives to keep an eye and ear for storms or tornadoes… we are both in the Cincinnati area, me in Ohio and her in Indiana.
If you’re co-parenting and you prep, that question has to sit in the back of your head too. I’ve spoken with people, and this is the consensus on where to start. However, disclaimer—I’m a dude who lives in the woods; please, where your kids are involved, do your research both legally and emotionally so you get it as right as possible.
TL;DR: Prepping with split custody means building your plan around one priority: reaching your child when something goes wrong. Map more than one route to their other home, keep your vehicle fueled and stocked, and make sure your kid can always reach you. Plan for the other parent too, and stay inside your custody order — if you can’t bring your child with you, be ready to stay close until it’s safe to move.
Quick Look at What You’ll Learn
Why Split Custody Makes Prepping Harder
Divorce by itself opens the door to conflict. Add prepping on top of that, and it can get worse before it gets better.
Dale’s also dealing with a state line issue. He’s in Ohio. His ex is in Indiana. That’s a border to cross when he needs to reach his son, and crossing state lines can complicate things if something ever happened that restricted movement or caused states to close their borders. I know I’m not the only one who didn’t consider that early during COVID. Those considerations are definitely worth building into the plan.
So go in clear-eyed. You can’t force the other parent to prep. A toddler is probably too young to understand. What you can do, though, is get yourself ready and keep your end squared away.
Start With What You Can Control
In a split-custody situation, two of the biggest factors are out of your hands: the other parent and luck. You can’t make her prep, you can’t script how she’ll react, and you can’t pick when something goes wrong. So, be mindful not to overdevote your time and energy there.
Instead, focus on what you can control: 1) Being ready, 2) Being able to move, and 3) Being able to reach your child. That’s where your effort will actually make a difference, and it’s what everything below is built on.
Build A Pace Plan To Reach Your Kid
If getting to your child is the most important thing you do when something happens, treat it like the mission it is. Use PACES planning: primary, alternate, contingency, emergency, SHTF. Maybe you don’t have five options, but you should at least have one or two backups for the critical aspects of your plan. When there’s a state line and a river between the two houses, like there is for Dale, that matters even more, because the obvious crossings are the first places to jam up.
Map More Than One Route
What: Multiple ways to get from where you are to where your kid is.
How: Don’t just pick a primary route and one wild backup. Each part of the route should have its own PACE plan. For example, find two or three ways around the spots most likely to clog, including more than one way across the state line. That way, when you hit a problem, you already know how to get around it.
When: Work this out now. Take trial runs at it when driving back and forth. This isn’t something that you want to work out in the middle of a real-life event.
📣 Pro-TipWhen planning alternate routes, plan for routes that get you on track to your destination.
Keep Your Vehicle Ready
What: A vehicle that’s always good to go.
How: Keep it fueled and stocked so you’re not scrambling for gas or gear when the call comes.
When: All the time. This is a maintain-it-all-the-time habit because it’s your kid’s safety and security that depend on it.
⚡️ Pro-TipLine up a second mode of transportation. Buy a car, arrange to borrow one from a friend, a bike, whatever is needed. Make sure you have a plan in case your first mode of transportation doesn’t work out.
Keep A Line To Your Kid Open
What: A reliable way for your child, or whoever is with them, to reach you.
How: Set your number as a favorite on their phone so a call breaks through even if your ringer is off.
When: Yesterday, if not sooner.
Plan For The Other Parent, Not Just Your Child
Here’s where most people’s plans fall apart. You can map out every route for your kid, but if the other parent isn’t on board, you might have a situation on your hands. She has to be factored in, too.
Two things help. First, be cordial. Keep your friends close and the people you’re in conflict with closer. The less apprehensive your ex is about you and about prepping, going with you, or letting you take your kid, the easier your job gets. Maybe she lets you leave a bag at her place; maybe she’s willing to grab hers and move when it counts.
Second, prepare for her without making it a conversation. I prepare for people all the time, and I don’t tell them about it. I just put things away so that if their world ever goes sideways, I’ve got them covered. Do the same here. Build your plan around taking care of her needs too, in advance, whatever the dynamic is. Because when the day comes, and you say “we need to go,” you’ve already removed a reason for her to say no.
Rehearse The Scenarios That Throw You
You get to your ex’s house, and everything’s fine. That’s great. That’s one possible scenario. Check that box. But there are other possible scenarios too. You get there and nobody’s home. You get there, and she won’t have anything to do with you. You get there, and she says Yeah, but I’m stuck here a while because her parents are on their way. You get there, and her new friendly-friend is standing in the living room, and she won’t leave without him.
To prepare for all possibilities, these are considerations you need to sit with. Visualize each of those unfolding situations and visualize your response. Do that a bunch of times.
When you do that, you’ve primed your OODA loop — observe, orient, decide, act. You’ve already observed the possibility because it played out in your head, and you’ve oriented yourself to a few options. So when it actually happens, it isn’t the first time you’ve seen it, and you won’t be as rattled.
And build in adaptability, because it won’t go exactly the way you imagined. She says Fine, we’ll come, but we’re stopping at my mom’s first. The big event is stressful enough on its own. When you get a curveball like that thrown at you, that’s the thing that can pull us off our game and away from the mission. That’s when we let our fight, flight, or freeze response kick in—which, in the case of exes and stress, means fight. That’s the last thing you need here.
Expect the curveball. Prepare for it.
Don’t Skip The Legal Reality
Before you build a plan around scooping up your kid and driving off, know where the law stands. You have a custody arrangement, and blowing past it, even in a crisis, can get you into trouble once things settle. Whatever you do, keep it inside what your court order allows.
So here’s the version that may work: if the situation means you can’t bring your kid with you, then plan to go to them and stay close. Best case, she’s fine with you hunkering down at her place and being with your son for however long it takes. But don’t count on it. She may not want you there.
So, have a backup for being nearby without being inside: sleeping in your vehicle, grabbing a room close by, whatever keeps you within reach of your kid. Either way, that changes your plan. In that case, your kit can’t just cover the drive there. It has to cover staying put away from home: enough supplies to ride it out, a way to keep your kid calm and cared for, and the patience to wait until it’s actually safe to move.
Dale’s already on the right track. He’s named the top priorities: get to my son and make sure he’s safe. That’s the whole game: know your plan and be ready to act on it, whether that means bringing your kid home or staying at their door until the situation changes.
Frequently Asked Questions About Contagion (2011)
Should I tell my ex about my prepping plans?
You don’t have to. Prepare for her needs the same way I prep for family and friends, without announcing it, so help is there if the day comes without turning your planning into another point of friction. Stay cordial, and you may find she’s open to small steps like keeping a bag at her place.
How do I prep when my co-parent isn’t on board?
Focus on what you control: your own readiness, your routes to your child, and your vehicle. You can’t force the other parent to prep, but you can prepare for them without making a big deal of it and stay cordial so they’re more likely to cooperate when it matters.
What’s the most important thing to plan for in a split-custody SHTF situation?
Getting to your child safely. Build a PACES plan with multiple routes that include more than one way across any state line or river between you. Keep your vehicle ready, and make sure your child or the adult with them can always reach you.
Should my plan include my ex, not just my kid?
Yes. If the other parent won’t go along with your plan, it won’t happen. Factor her needs in ahead of time and be willing to take care of her too, so leaving with your child isn’t a fight on top of the emergency.
Is it a good idea to just take my child during a crisis?
Not as a default. You have a custody arrangement, and going outside it, even in an emergency, can get you into trouble once things settle, so keep your actions inside what your court order allows. If the situation means you can’t bring your kid with you, plan to go to them and stay close instead: hunker down at their place if you can, or have a backup nearby, like your vehicle or a nearby room.
Statistics: U.S. Census Bureau, Current Population Survey Child Support Supplement (2018 data, released 2020); shared-custody trend per Meyer, Carlson & Alam, “Increases in shared custody after divorce in the United States,” Demographic Research (2022).