Welcome, everyone, to another episode of SKILLSET Bottom Shelf! I’m your host, Skillset Editor Ben Tirpak. On this edition of our budget booze series, we’re taking a trip back to Prohibition-era Chicago to tackle a truly disturbing drink known as Malört.
As always, I’m joined by some of the coolest people I know—a panel of discerning palates, seasoned veterans, and, let’s be honest, some of the most experienced drinkers out there. We also have a special guest with us this month… the exact person we have to blame for the awful idea to drink this stuff in the first place.”
Let’s Drink Some Malort!
Before we pop the top on this prohibition-era alcohol, a critical public service announcement: Please remember that what follows is purely for entertainment purposes only. We are professionals—sort of—and we encourage every single one of you to drink responsibly!
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Now, let’s break down our review into the critical categories that will define the quality—or lack thereof—of this magnificent beverage. We will meticulously assess:
- Smell: What olfactory horrors await us? Is it a fresh, sweet banana like it came straight from a tree, or is it more like the remnants of a gas station fruit candy? We’ll find out.
- Taste: The moment of truth. Beyond the initial burn, what are we actually tasting? Can the banana flavor survive the 99-proof blast, or is this just a pure sugar-and-alcohol handshake?
- Value or Price of the Booze: Does the price justify the suffering? Does the sheer volume of alcohol make it a great value, or would that money be better spent on a slightly less painful life decision?
- Final Thoughts: The summary judgment. The ultimate “Would you rather” scenario: Would we drink this again, or is this destined for the darkest recesses of the liquor cabinet?
We hope you have enjoyed this episode of Bottom Shelf, the Malort edition. If you have any future suggestions for the Athlon Outdoors Editorial staff—from the truly terrible to the surprisingly palatable—be sure to shoot us an email! Now, let the tasting begin!
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Jeppson’s Malort
Jeppson’s Malört is widely considered the most infamous spirit in Chicago—a drink that locals love, hate, and love to force upon out-of-towners. hence the….”MALORT FACE”
The Champagne of Pain, as it is otherwise known. The most famous description comes from comedian John Hodgman: “It tastes like pencil shavings and heartbreak.”
The most famous aspect of Malört is its aggressively bitter flavor, derived from wormwood (the same ingredient in Absinthe). Because it is so polarizing, fans have turned describing the taste into an art form. Common descriptors include:
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Grapefruit rind soaked in gasoline
A tire fire
Earwax
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Bug spray
It Survived Prohibition Because It Tasted So Bad