A sailor indulging in the time-honored military tradition of energy drink guzzling was reportedly greeted with a rude surprise this week when, after polishing off a Monster, he discovered the decomposing corpse of a rat at the bottom of the can.
Attempting to achieve energy levels considered necessary to unleash the beast, John Witt, 29, instead discovered an actual rotting beast after finishing the drink, according to local CBS affiliate WTKR News.
Witt, who said he purchased a pack of the drinks from a 7-Eleven in Norfolk, Virginia, promptly vomited several times, “naturally,” he told WTKR, which shared video of the canned corpse.
“It’s a full-size rat,” he said, “and it’s a big rat.”
The sailor first brought the issue to the attention of his chain of command, one member of which responded, correctly, “Go the ER, bro.”
Witt then checked into Portsmouth Naval Hospital, where he said medical personnel informed him that it was more than likely, “with the chemicals that are in Monster, that it should be OK.”
Unleash the embalming fluid.
“My antibodies should be able to fight it off,” Witt said, adding that medical staff wanted to closely monitor the situation for the next 48 hours.
Witt, a longtime beast unleasher, told WTKR that he has no plans to ever consume another Monster — or even closed-can beverages, for that matter.
“I’m never going to be able to drink anything that I can’t see again,” the new open-container advocate told the outlet.
Witt intends to file a report with the Food and Drug Administration, according to WTKR.
Select reports, meanwhile, suggest Master Splinter, having gotten on in years, may have confused the Monster can for mutagen, the chemical colloquially known as “Ooze.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could not be reached for comment.
Observation Post is the Military Times one-stop shop for all things off-duty. Stories may reflect author observations.
J.D. Simkins is Editor-in-Chief of Military Times and Defense News, and a Marine Corps veteran of the Iraq War.