Tactical

How To Deep Fry A Turkey: Without Ruining Thanksgiving

There are two ways to deep fry a Thanksgiving turkey. The first will make you a social media sensation but ensure your family hates you as they sleep in a tent while your house is being rebuilt. The second is how to do it properly so your family can argue about politics across a delicious bird as you wish you’d tried option one. It’s your call. 

Regardless of which you choose, you’ll need the right equipment. There are packages sold online that include an outdoor burner – usually hooked up to a propane tank, a 30-quart pot, a deep-frying thermometer, so you know when your Butterball’s finished, and a rack with a hook to lower the turkey into the oil. You’ll also need oil. 

How To Deep Fry A Turkey The Wrong Way

Option 1: Watch the world burn and go viral on TikTok, YouTube, etc. (not recommended)

First, purchase the above kit to fry your turkey and start drinking Natty Ice at seven a.m. This will ensure you’re not thinking correctly. Watch a YouTube video showing what not to do when deep frying a turkey and think – those guys in fire department uniforms are idiots. You’ve set the stage, and now it’s time to set up the equipment. 

The next step is to ignore setting up your frier outside. Not you. Not today. You’re eight beers deep and know better than the videos, so set your apparatus inside your basement or garage. What could go wrong? 

Now that you’re set-up look for oil to put in the pot. They recommend peanut oil, but you can’t drive, so grab the 10W30 motor oil conveniently next to you in the garage and fill ‘er up. Oil’s oil, right? Crack another. 

The last step is to heat the oil past hot to a temperature Satan would cringe at. It’s ready for the bird. This is important. Please ensure the turkey is fully frozen before dropping it in the oil, and your equally drunk friend has their camera phone ready. Tell them to hit record, drop the frozen turkey in the motor oil, and run. Attempt to slap out the flames on your arms as you watch the blaze shoot from the pot, ignite the house, and cause a conflagration. Call 911, get everyone out of the area, set up a lawn chair, and watch the building burn as your family yells at you for ruining Thanksgiving. 

Disclaimer: Please, God, don’t do this. This is satire. If you take this advice, you’re a moron, and this disclaimer ensures the publisher bears no responsibility for your idiocy. 

How To Deep Fry A Turkey The Right Way

Option 2: Fry a Delicious Turkey without Drama (Recommended): 

First, thaw your turkey. The viral video you watched where the fryer goes up in flames and sets the cat on fire was likely caused due to the turkey still being fully or partially frozen. Molten lava meets Frozone from The Incredibles. Get that Butterball out of the freezer and let it thaw for days in the fridge. The night prior, get it out and stuff your hand up its hole like a proctologist to see if it’s icy. 

Now that your turkey is thawed, you’ll need peanut oil. It’s an unconfirmed rumor that Planter’s killed Mr. Peanut in a Super Bowl commercial in 2020 for spreading his oil like Nick Cannon. They brought him back as a baby to clear his child support debt. 

Set your frying kit up and ensure the propane burner is perfectly balanced. This is common sense, but I had to mention it because stupid people exist and procreate. Put your turkey on the poultry rack, and stick it in the 30-quart pot. Did you read anything about starting the burner? Nope. Be patient, baby bird. Now add water to the pot until it covers the turkey. Take that beautiful bird out and mark it on the pot where the water line is, with painter’s tape. This is your fill line for the oil which should be three to five inches below the top of the pot unless you bought a turkey with Pamela Anderson boobs – silicone doesn’t taste good even if fried. 

Setting Up The Fryer

Dump the water on a plant so you feel like you’re helping nature, and dry out the pot with a towel. Slap the pot back on the burner rack, pour your oil until it hits the tapeline, and remove the tape. Keep this for your scrapbook, so you’ll never forget when you nailed frying your first bird. Don’t throw away the peanut oil container. 

Now you can start the fire under the pot to get the oil temperature up to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. If you’re German, this is 190 degrees Celsius, and when the article mentions “Thanksgiving,” think “Erntedankfest.” Ignore the urge to celebrate by grabbing a cold one – Do not leave the fryer unattended. If kids are at the house, lock them in the basement or a dog kennel. You don’t want them to look like Freddy Kreuger after they knock over the pot with scalding oil in it. 

Deep frying a turkey successfully can make you the master of the Thanksgiving feast this holiday season.

Preparing The Bird For Frying

While the oil’s heating, pat down your pulchritudinous poultry with paper towels to get the water off. If you want to add some salt or spices, this is the time. When the oil reaches 375 degrees, turn off the burner, grab your burn-proof oven mitts (don’t tell me you got this far and forgot the mitts), and slowly lower the fine fowl into the oil. Turn the burner back on and cook the turkey at 3.5 minutes per pound, so a 15-pound beast would take approximately 45 minutes. Don’t leave the pot unattended! 

When the internal temperature hits 165 degrees, it’s done. Turn off the burner and pull the turkey out. Assign someone to watch the scalding oil as you place it on an oven tray, breast down and legs up (that’s sexy), and drain it for 25 minutes. Let the kids out of the basement, carve it, and serve it up. You’re the hero of Thanksgiving. 

A Well Cooked Turkey

Finally, after the pot cools, pour the peanut oil back into the container, screw the lid on, and toss it in the trash. I’m proud of you. You now know how to deep fry a turkey without burning down the neighborhood. 

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